Ralph: Cock Rockin' in the Press World a Rant by Phip (Phip Murray) 'Ralph', a shonky new men's mag, has just hit the stands. It should be renamed 'Barf'. One of the King Dicks featured in 'Ralph'. (submitted by Phip.) 'These sheilas are so well-stimulated that putting a hand between their legs would feel like feeding a horse.' This is an example of the sophisticated critique featured in Ralph, a new Aussie glossy which has just hit the stands. Poofters and sheilas stand back, Ralph is the real man's mag, which attempts to 'come up with a bunch of yarns that would have broad appeal to a wide-cross section of Aussie blokes'. No quiche here, just a celebration of that great Aussie cultural institution; blokedom. 'Ken oath, mate. In a column titled 'G'day', Seddo the editor initiates his readers into the beginnings of Ralph: 'The suits told us to go and do some research. Qualitative analysis, they said . . . We didn't have a clue what they were rabbiting on about and went to the pub instead'. And whilst skullin' them pots this is Seddo's description of the editorial objectives decided upon: 'Cars. Tick. Motorbikes. Tick. TV. Pool. Football. Cricket. Adventure. Sheds. Tucker. Goofing off. Tick. . . . Girls? Yeah, most blokes like girls, better find some of those'. Blokes, bazookas and banter basically sums Ralph up, and the introduction of the word 'Fwooar!!' into the Australian dictionary. 'By an amazing coincidence, women have two breasts and men have two hands.' This is the gem of wisdom admisistered in one of Ralph's feature articles entitled 'Breast Strokes' a guide to politically correct groping (because unfortunately, as the writer described, 'no matter how much you mutter or stare at breasts they are not gonna reply. You gotta talk to their owners first'. Bummer, huh.) 'Breast Strokes' initiated me into facts I certainly didn't realise about my 'gazongas' (as lovingly referred to in Ralph): 'Like breasts, nipples are decievingly animate. According to our research, 15% of the time they "ache with need"; less frequently they "spring to attention", "shiver erect" and "push hard against her bra". So have you ever wondered why women spend so much on their bras? It's because their nipples are always straining and bursting their way through them, especially those el cheapo bastards". I thought I was worried about my rent when all along it was probably my gazongas ëstraining and burstingí through my brassiere and ëaching with needí. Gotcha. What else is in Ralph? Perusing the first edition, the lucky reader can delve into such sections as: Girls Blouse: Go Hard or Go Home: The self-titled 'Ralph bloke test' including repeated abuse of such questions as 'Can you build a shed?', Do you rip your nose hairs out manually?' and 'Have you ever saved a woman from a dangerous situation?'. Drivers Seat: How to Land a Bloody Big Jet: Including a big pic of the planes' controls and which perhaps should be subtitled 'How to be a bloody big hero'. Men Behaving Oddly: Fancy a Little Head/Toilet Humour: Yep, you guessed it, obligatory fart jokes, a guide to 'great excretory moments in movies' and head-job puns circa Grade 4. Grog: Pisstory: Take note: 'Gather the blokes around the keg and PROTECT IT from the sheilas, who should all be in the kitchen drinking cold duck anyway'. And for the reader's ease, all the sections of Ralph are signposted with cartoons of a dog engaged in penile gymnastics. The role model of the edition was cricketer Jeff Thompson (affectionately referred to as 'Thommo') in a progressive article entitled 'Jeff Thompson on grog, guns and gays'. After initiating the interview with 'You fuckin' toolhead! Cut the shit and let's get on with it' Thommo went on to set the record straight on the dos and don'ts of sexuality: How do you feel about homosexuals? What really pisses me off is that fuckin' Mardi Gras bullshit they have in Sydney. That's just a disgrace. Y'know, you spend a lot of time teaching your kids to be decent human beings and then these dickheads bung this shit on ó marching down the street in dresses, waving their tongues about, being typical sleazy arseholes. Then they have the nerve to call me a bigot because I say I won't trust them with my kids. What if one of your sons came home and said, 'Dad I'm gay'? He wouldn't Well, what if he did? There's not much you can do, I suppose . . . except tell him to fuckin' wake up to himself. Fuckin' wake up to yourself kids. Quit it with the gender bending, boundary breaking, identity quest. Get your priorities right (-wing, that is) and straight (het-style). The most offensive thing about Ralph is the appropriation of 'normality': if you're not male, white, straight and abloodybigdrinkermaaate, you're just fucked ó or about to be fucked up by all the 'Ralphs' out there. Phip Created on Thu, 18 Sep 1997 and last modified on Wed, 5 Nov 1997.

LOUDonline - http://www.loud.net.au - Fri, 10 Apr 1998